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2001-09-16

It seems as the days go on the chunks of time in which I can feel slightly normal get a little larger. Unfortunately, the crash seems to be harder each time too.

Spent the rest of saturday not tuning in. Trying to get a grip on me, listening to music, deciding what to do. Figured I ought to go to the party since it would provide me with some distraction, and some alcohol. Yes, I use alcohol as a crutch to deal with difficult situations. I am not particularly proud of this but neither am particularly ashamed. It helps.

So I went to the party and it was nice to be with people I do not know so well. It meant I could not be sullen and self absorbed but rather had to be courteous and outgoing. That was good. Everyone there was trying very hard to have a nice time, without ever giving the sense that they were unaware or callous to the proceedings. That was exactly what I was hoping for. The bonus is that some of the people there were from other countries, and while we did not sit around and talk politics all night long, it was nice to get a tiny slice of global perspective. We laughed a lot. We talked about gardening and cocktails and we got silly and surreal. At one point the birthday girl, who was describing the movie Natochka, uttered the phrase "The three stooges of bolshevism" which sent me right off my chair. We ended the evening doing dramatic readings from the knox blox cookbook with silly hats on. It was a nice time.

Today I went shopping with J* and we got rattled on the way so we ended up stopping for a beer and snack. While in the bar I learned a lot of things which have transpired in the last hours of my information block-out--things which do not make me feel better or more secure. We got through the shopping happily enough, but when the shopping was over we both went back to feeling smashed and flattened by sadness and dread. I need to buck up, and quickly. I need to make phone calls, do laundry, and clean the house for soup tomorrow. I don't feel like I can get it together right now. But the show must go on.

I am so happy for the return of soup and I am hoping that it will help everybody to be able to have the communal soup time again. I think the soup will be good for us all.

drownin my sorrows avoiding tomorrows

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