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Links LUPEC |
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Here is the nature of my psychological defect, on the page, for everyone to see (and comment on, if you like) I don't need to be THE ONLY, but I do need to be NUMBER ONE. This morning I woke up at 7am in a fit of jealously which was not in any way shape or form about THE FACT that there is a new girl who was taking up a lot of my favorite boy's attention last night(and a little of it the night before) No, I was actually watching him talk to her and feeling PROUD that he was being charming and HAPPY that things seemed to be going well for him. And I was upset that he left without giving her a ride home after chatting with her and she had to walk home. (or maybe she was walking to her car, I don't really know) But I woke up to insane scenarios spinning out of control in my head, scenarios wherein I do not get to see him even as little as I do now, and when I do see him he is with her, and we don't ever get the chance to talk and cuddle up and listen to records and drink beer and smoke cigarettes together. These thoughts made me insane. See, I am FINE with him gettin it on with someone else. I am always GLAD when he gets some play. I was FINE with my husband gettin it on with someone else-- hell, I was even willing to pimp for him on occasion. But the thought of someone infringing on the intense intellectual and emotional connection we have makes me nuts. I can deal with the fact that he would want to sleep with someone else. I can not stand the thought that he would rather TALK to someone else. This is totally unreasonable for several reasons: first, none of the other girlies he has hung out with since we have been buddies have really come between us. AND, I don't really think our friendship is so tenuous that even if he hooks up in a big way, he is going to be gone from my life forever. second, if I REALLY want him to be happy, I need to REALLY give him room to pursue happiness. Even if that means I get less of him on a regular basis. third, just because he spends some time on a weekend talking to a girl does not mean everything is all different. I need to be calm and watchful. There is a delicate balance between steering clear and giving him time, and giving him the impression that I am so upset about him talking to another girl that I don't want to be around him. Sigh. Luckily I have plenty of other things to think about so that I do not have to dwell on this. Also, I have many sources of love and affection. I am a lucky girl in this regard. This isn't something new---I have been here before. It just never gets any easier. |
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