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Links LUPEC |
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The thing about an emotional rollercoaster ride is it can leave your body feeling just as drained as an actual rollercoaster ride. Last night was an insane emotional rollercoaster ride. It started at home where I played "Long Long Long" about 18 times in a row at top volume, and drank a significant quantity of red wine. Then I felt brave enough to listen to "Blow Away", which really hurt but also had me smiling through my tears. Good. I talked on the phone to my ladies and that was all nice and we made our plans for the evening. Then I got back on line and read that George was surrounded by devotees chanting at the time of his death and also that his ashes would be scattered over one of the most sacred rivers in India. That made me very happy. I bucked up, went to eat with J* and P-nut, and we had a nice time. I had some more wine. We arrived at the goose and it quickly became super packed with people who were not OUR people. It was weird. I did see lots of people who were very kind to me. My guitar playing boy was super sweet and I had that whistful, happy sad feeling for most of the night. I was sad, but I was so happy that I had people around who love and care for me. As a matter of fact, the freakin WIZARD OF OZ was on the TV when we got there and it made me realize how alot of the time I feel like Dorothy, with a ragtag bunch of people around who really do care an awful lot for me. It was sweet. MIF came and we held down the booth. J* and P-nut went to shake it for the band and boys came and went in the booth. My favorite boy came and as soon as he saw me he offered condolenses, very sweet. I felt that he wanted to talk to me but there was no room and so for about an hour he hovered around, and he looked at me a lot but we could not connect. I was in the corner of the booth for four hours, part of that time laughing harder than I have in a long long time at the boys who were MIF's friends, doing an extended yinzer act. It really was incredibly off the wall. At some point in there I started to have a panic attack, and I needed water, and I needed also my favorite boy. It was simple as that. He saw me coming and he got himself in a corner and he opened his arms to me and he held me for a long long time. It was, in my lots of wine and two bottles of lambic state, pure bliss. He said incredibly sweet things to me for a while, and told me all the new experiences he had had in the almost two weeks since we last saw each other which he could not wait to share with me. Movies, beers, guns, lets have soup party at my house, come over on tuesday to bake cookies. It made me feel really good again. Really good. Just to know, especially, that over the two weeks since I saw him last he was indeed at least sometimes thinking of me. That is all I really wanted. And he did leave with the girl, and at that moment I became sad. I almost made it without becoming sad but then he hugged me goodbye THREE times and that made me sad. It made me sad that someone would see bliss, and recognize it for what it is, yet not have the courage to take it. Sad. So I talked to some other people, and almost got a ride home from my bassman but as I waited I realized that a long solitary walk with my feelings was really what I needed. So I had that, and I came home and I fell asleep with George singing in my ears. So many tears I was searching so many tears I was wasting |
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