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Links LUPEC |
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*disclaimer*: although parts of this entry may seem depressing, I am really in a fine mood. I am ready to partake in holiday cheer. I describe the following for observational purposes only. Last night I felt like instead of the patron of desperate cases I should be calling upon the patron of tragic romances. Last night when he was holding me and giving me my christmas good bye kiss he was looking into my eyes in a very familiar way. The same way my ex sweetheart looks into my eyes when I see him. The way that says "I don't really know what I am doing or why I have to be such a fuck up or why I feel it is necessary to keep breaking your heart like this." I went to the bar early. He was the only one there of our people, and he lit up like a freakin tree when I walked in. We chatted a little, I was feeling sort of sad and cold and he felt it and he put his arms around me and put my head on his chest. People began to arrive and it was a nice holiday time of old friends returning home , and lots of hoorays and kisses and hugs and "what have you been doing for a year!?"s were passed around. I sat with my atticdweller for a bit. He asked me if I felt bad physically or emotionally, and I said a little of both. He told me I was suffering from a bad case of BULLSHIT, and then he did not explain, but he put his arms around me like he really did know exactly what I was suffering from. We had the surprise birthday cake for the paintergirl and I gave her a book of erotica because she was so pleased with the book of erotica I gave her last year. "I hope it's more porn!" she said as she opened the package. The band set up and I got my place in front, and the atticdweller got his place next to me. The band rocked fiercely and the new bass rig is absolutely PUNISHING and I was able to let go of all of it and just lose myself in the music. At one point I went to the bathroom and when I came out I saw that the girl was there, and I smiled at her and went back to my place of adoration. I snapped a bunch of pictures because the guitar wizard was really showing off, and the red lights were on and everyone looked great. When the band was done, I got some major lovin from an old art boy friend, and it made my night.. He is one of Pittsburgh's premier huggers and I was so so so happy to be hugged by him that I actually followed him around for hugs. La la la. No sign of my new york rocker, but I wasn't really expecting it. I was content and I actually went and tried to talk to the girl a little bit, in the name of truce or peace offering or something. Because at a certain moment when I was standing four feet from where he was on the stage and just letting the sounds wash over me, I realized that whatever it is going on with them really does not diminish whatever it is going on with us. Except for the fact that she takes up more of his time, which is annoying yet inevitable and I have a lot of other things to take up my time and I really felt that if I really needed him, he would come. In that respect he has never failed me.So I was feeling GOOD about everything, and when I got up on him after he played to tell him how good it sounded with the new rig he was just beaming transcendent, and he told me that some guy had asked him to sign his t shirt and he was over the top excited. So adorable. I milled around just a little bit and then I had to leave to go to the party, so I started collecting holiday hugs and kisses and felt like a million trillion dollars. And then I gave him the presents and he told me he would save them for christmas morning and then he gave me that look and that kiss, which started out on the cheek but travelled, and lingered, and would have lingered a while longer if I hadn't felt suddenly like I have to cut these Casablanca moments short because my heart just can't take it. So he took the presents out to the truck and I went out to leave and we saw each other again, one last time out in front of the place, and it almost started again but we backed away. And he went back in to the world I am not in, and I went to the busstop and went to the party, where I could not help being maudlin and ranting for just a little bit. My highschoolbuddy was tipsy and concerned, and offered to hit him over the head with a 2x4. Tee hee. I perked up a bit after snacks and a drink made by Whiskey Daisy and I chatted a bit with my sisters and screwdrivers and was merry. But I stayed too long and it got really late and I HAD to get home to sleep in my own bed, so I ended up taking the all night bus home at 3:30am. WHOOSH! This morning hopefully breakfast with J* and her visitor, more wrapping, and then more partying. And then hopefully I will finally peep that New York rockstar because golly, he is starting to be like the holy grail or something. |
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