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Links LUPEC |
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It's the day after christmas, and my desire to go to work is at an all time low. I woke up early in a cold sweat about work, all the things I have to do, all the ways things are screwed up and I haven't been paying enough attention and I think that I just don't like my job anymore, just like I didn't like my job last year. Once again it is time to think about broad sweeping changes in my life that absolutely MUST be made. I can not stay in my job because I don't want to disappoint my boss. I can not stay in my apartment because I don't want to disappoint my roomate. I need to think about what I want , and do it. Sigh. I keep dreaming of kisses. What I want is kisses. What I can't figure out is, why when I am in danger of getting them, or I am getting them and in danger of getting more, I pull away. I've got some damage here, perhaps damage related to unresolvedness about my exsweetheart that has been buried deep down. You see, it is the end of the year and I am realizing things. Ick. Spent Christmas eve with my very drunk father. I was nipping the 18yr scotch and he was downing jack daniels on the rocks like it was water. We watched movies(Holy Grail, Dogma) and didn't talk about anything. We had a good dinner, with wine, and then he was downing the wine. After the movies he put on the pro wrestling and I fell asleep on the couch. I had so looked forward to a few hours alone with cable, but I could not muster the fortitude to stay awake in the face of the alcohol and wrestling. So I woke up early, let the dog out, had a cigarette on the porch, and then tried to figure out how to turn the damn TV on for about 10 minutes. The whole multiple remote thing. I don't get it. Got the TV on and found the VH1 classics station playing christmas videos, and settled in with that. Dad woke up to make coffee and the coffeepot was broken, so he went to 7-11 to get a paper and brought us coffees in styrofoam cups. The tree was never lit up, and that really bothered me. I am assuming that the lights burnt out after it was put up or something, but no one moved to plug it in. There was something very depressing about the whole scene, to be honest. I was happy to be hanging out in a sort of escapist suburban reality, but there kept being these little things which were just wrong. The broken coffee pot, the unlit tree, the fact that the place was just sort of messy and a little dirty, the fact that dad did more drinking than he has lately and did not really talk to me, the fact that the kids appeared and disappeared sort of randomly. OF course, they are all over 21 and it is odd that they even live in the house anymore, but there was something sort of ghostly. They all showed up for christmas morning and we opened presents and that was a nice time. Everyone seemed happy except my brother's girlfriend, who I was later told only seems happy when she is drunk. Then they all left to go to their mother's house and we started with the movie watching again. Shakespeare in Love, Mask of Zorro. I tried to call J* but the guy who lives in the attic was on the phone for most of the morning and early afternoon. I called my sissy in between movies and we chatted a bit--she told me about the driving tour of "dead muff divers of literature" she had taken the previous day. Pilgrimages to the homes of Edna St Vincent-Milay and Emily Dickinson. The home of Edna had been replaced by a car wash, so they bought a memorial orange soda and took a picture in front of the drying machines. Tee hee. Emily's house of course had a plaque and is well preserved, but they did not go in. The girls came back and there was more of that ghostly not talking thing, not at all akward really but sort of like we were all swimming around in the same soundproof plasma. Seeing each other, bumping in to each other, but not talking. Dad went to make dinner, and there was some debate about waiting for brother and his girlfriend, and we decided not to. Which was good, because they still had not shown up two hours later when I left. Had a great dinner, filet mignon and baked potato and corn and salad and rolls, and we ate with Sat Night Live on in the background. Still not much conversation, but it was all pleasant. My youngest younger sister drove me home almost right after dinner, and we had some good conversations in the car. I was trying to think about the fact that she is older than some of my friends and I should try talking to her like a person. That was good. Went to bed almost immediately. Tired out from the effort of being normal, I think. I need to get myself together here and get going with my day. I need to do some serious work at work and all I really want to do is stay home and clean my room. Sigh. |
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