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Links LUPEC |
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Did you ever have one of those moments when you realize that you are so disassociated from yourself that you are identifying your mental and emotional state from somewhere outside your own head? This morning I looked at my tornado aftermath of a bedroom and said aloud: "OH! I must be depressed!" It was sort of satisfying to put a word to it. But it is freefloating anxiety really that has the best of me. Sends me to bed at 10:30 instead of doing the simple things which would make my surroundings a lot nicer and consequently my life more pleasant. Sheesh. I am just feeling really OVERWHELMED by all the things, and when I feel overwhelmed I tend to shut down instead of diving in. Yesterday at work I did a lot of things and it was good to feel somewhat accomplished but when I left at 5:30 I still felt like I ought to stay for another 3 hours. But I was mentally and physically exhausted. So I threw in the towel and came home, and finished a mix tape and started another one, and then I gave up on that, and then I made myself this great yummy dinner of brussel sprouts with noodles and bacon and cheese, yum, and then I thought I would tackle a cleaning project but instead I just went to bed. Exhaustion. Or rather, depression masking as exhaustion. And now it is time to start all over again, and hopefully today I can attack the projects at work with renewed vigor instead of sullen resolve, and then when I am done I get to go to the BIG BIG SHOW. I really am excited about the big big show. Not only will all my holiday travellers be back, but I will be surrounded by all the people I love love love in a tiny little sweaty bar. I am going to go mining for hugs and kisses and hopefully I can recapture some of that breathless joy I seem to remember. And then once I fall into bed drunk and happy, I get to wake up and do it all over again. Ha ha! |
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